so ready to close my eyes

by The Last Surrealist

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about

I have a tendency to think about the same depressing events over and over again. I can sometimes escape for little moments in time, but always drift back to the same thoughts. Some days I feel like I'm doing fine, but then others I just feel like I want to die. I'm not sure that anyone should have to walk around and act normal while still poorly coping with unresolved deaths and abuse.

These songs encapsulate some of the emotions that stem from this sensation.

credits

released November 25, 2016

Self - Production, instrumentation, vocals
JB (Hyper Sleep Child) - co-composition and co-production of "I Only Want to Be Loved"

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The Last Surrealist Easton, Pennsylvania

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Track Name: With Stretched Out Nihilistic Hands We Embrace Suicide... (Acoustic)
love me as I rest in a bed of
roses as I lie naked in the
doorway drifting off to sleep or waking
to a new life dreaming that i
can escape into the darkened night sky
with the light of a fire burning
the wicker grave where I lie stargazing

love me as I look into your eyes
quiet as the shoreline returning
to the edge of a floating world be-
hind my eyes drinking liquor with her christ
in petty chapel pews vomiting the
porcelain lies confided in burning
embers of a child left sinking
in the river under the world

love me in the morning after
the excited body wanes into the after-
life as a new creation takes the place of
god and my flesh in unison create the
endless sphere where you only exist for a
moment then drift and are placed upon my naked
body underwater and we may float to another
dawning world to drink another

love me for a moment (baby I'm tired)
can't you fucking hear my words protruding
through the depressed dirt where I linger
with the footprints of a gypsy universe
examining my corpse for gold and trinkets
of meaningless nothing since we're dead and sinking
exhausted waste in a bottle of brandy
that god is drinking as we're left naked, swimming...
Track Name: Exiled into Nothingness
you will be exiled from this existence
and you will die
most importantly, you will take your own life

you will be exalted at the end of this

in a palace

overlooking the firmament

you will watch your family burned alive
as ghosts place
your neck in chains

you will be exalted at the end of this
in a palace

lit by the warmest flames


swimming towards a bright light

a distant beckoning beacon on the skyline

too distant for your fragile arms to reach

so you drown like a sleeping child 

in the terror of the night

you will be exiled from this existence
and you will die
you will take your own life



you will be exalted at the end of this

in a palace

with no memory of ever being in this place
Track Name: Death Meditations
i just want to be alone with myself
and hide under the water like its a coat
its so cold, i’m a ghost
you cannot see me, it’s so freeing

to be without the urgency to be

inside of my home where i’m most comfortable
i walk around naked just to feel something

no shoes, no shirt, nobody cares
if at the end of the day i am still here

i find myself getting angry with the notion
that i have to live another sixty years with this weight on my chest
my family is dead, and my friends are for nothing
but to pass the time until i’m in a better place

under this water i almost feel like everything could be okay
but i’m actually feeling pretty suicidal today
so i’ll keep dreaming about living like i’m deceased
then i won’t have to feel anything
Track Name: In Our Blood Surrendered to Holy Walls of Fire
in a distant village bed

a woman’s eyes change color

as death the conqueror comes

in the form of invisible fire



to consume the earth

in a deluge of shadow

dancing with her in a crypt

crippling her flesh, but what if…



she becomes immaterial

a metaphysical being

unseen until the next morning

in eternal chains of misery



she is my love with firm roots

snuffed out in a dark room

by invisible fire pouring 

like wine over me 


fog rolls over the hillside

i thought i saw her in a dream

i can sense this agony
i can sense her defeat



death will always leave us asunder
if only for a moment

until like a newborn i experience 

the sweet release that enables us


to love one another

even if we will only
become ether bound to
the eternal chains of misery



to drown one another

in our blood surrendered

to holy walls of fire


in our blood surrendered

to holy walls of fire

in our blood surrendered

to holy walls of fire

in our blood surrendered
to holy walls of fire

to holy walls of fire

to holy walls of fire
Track Name: This Wandering Ghost
This wandering ghost
How shall it live?
Haunting the ones it once loved?
Or inciting a fear in death?

This wandering ghost
Baptized in christ
Would give its life again
If for another kind

This wandering ghost
How shall it live?
Some say by virtue of
Prior decisions made

It will walk alone
Under star light shone
The ever looming dark
In empty cathedrals - dawn

This wandering ghost
Wishes to exist…
But in some other vessel
Of godless flesh…

This wandering ghost
How shall it die?
Cursed to bear future sin
In the coming nights

For all that was once light
And all solitude that endures
She saw the fear of god in him
Then slowly opened her eyes

And spoke…

So be gone now…
be gone now…
be gone now…
Track Name: I Only Want to Be Loved (feat. Hyper Sleep Child)
why do you feel the need to point a gun at me
i have always wondered what I’ve done to deserve it

maybe you just have sadistic tendencies
that could explain your behavior
you may as well just kill me
my life is obviously of no value to you

baby why you treat me like this?
baby why you treat me like this?
baby why you treat me like this?
baby why you treat me like this?

you make me want to slit my wrists
how can anyone be expected to live like this?

in the black dungeon of violence
you tear my flesh
clean from the bone
but I only want to be loved…

i just want to feel
like I’m not going to die in my home
and maybe that god will save me
from feeling so alone

baby why you treat me like this?
baby why you treat me like this?
baby why you treat me like this?
baby why you treat me like this?
Track Name: So Ready to Close My Eyes (i)
I’m so ready to close my eyes
I’m so ready to close my eyes

there is nothing but beauty in this time of longing
but can beauty set a captive free?

we think so little of the consequences…
we care so little about the imminent death of everything…
Track Name: Death is an Aweless Road (ii)
Instrumental